Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
