You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We don't watch enough power rangers
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
