dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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