you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
