Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
