Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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