Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
