He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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