I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
