Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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