she woke up with a sticky ear
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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