batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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