Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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