rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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