Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
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I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
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I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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