he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
