I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
