Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
