He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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