We won't sleep together?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
