My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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