Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
