she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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