A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
