I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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