just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
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Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
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It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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