i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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