My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
