you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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