At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
