i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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