If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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