my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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