It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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