if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
