i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
