Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
