Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dignity is for republicans.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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