I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
