WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
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his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
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note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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