with your own penis?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
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Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
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Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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