you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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