Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
