my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I cut my penus on the lid.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
