You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
