I think i peed on brittanys purse
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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