You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
