I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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