Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
