I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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