You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
