Dude my mom stole all your condoms
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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