I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
