You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
