i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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