Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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