He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
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i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
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Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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