he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Randomize
