College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
