we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
