If i come over, it means nothing
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Every concussion has its silver lining
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
