hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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