i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We have started to decorate penises.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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